Tips for Travelers to Kenya

Don't lean your head out of the window of a moving matatu (a 10-passenger van), especially if you value your hat.

When staying at a guest house, don't try to go for a walk in the middle of the night, unless you don't mind being chased by vicious guard dogs.

Don't offer a granola bar to the policeman at a police stop.

Be courteous to first time visitors to Kenya by not sending them outside the Nairobi airport all by themselves.

Don't tip the Nairobi airport help until after they have finished wheeling all your luggage out.

Don't eat with your left hand; that's the hand people wipe with.

On a related note, always keep toilet paper handy.

If you shake one child's hand, expect to shake 150 more.

If you take one child's picture, expect to take 150 more.

Never leave your bag or room key in the matatu, unless you don't mind Vernon disappearing with them for several hours.

If you value your life, never run off with Gayla's bag or room key.

A matatu bouncing along on what's left of the Kenyan roads makes a lousy place to try to put in your contact lenses.

Every choo (outhouse) is special and unique. Take pictures of all of them.

If your team-mates make a mess while using the choo, don't take pictures of it.

If you have to get out and buy some things in a crowded marketplace and leave your team-mates locked in a hot matatu, fearing for their lives, at least try to make it quick.

When sleeping in a mud hut it is wise to always remember to close the door; it helps keep the chickens off your sleeping room-mates.

Before you leave for Kenya, see if you can genetically-engineer a rooster with a snooze button.

Don't let it hurt your feelings when your white face makes the babies cry.

Don't be surprised when little children try to rub the "whiteness" off your skin.

If you shake hands with dozens of children who live on trash heaps, remember to wash your hands before eating rotisserie chicken with your fingers.

If you feel the matatu rocking back and forth at a petrol station, rest assured that it is just the station attendant jumping on the bumper to try to get more fuel into the tank.

If you visit a grocery store, stay on your toes at the check-out counter or someone will nudge right in front of you in line.

If someone offers to sell you a mysterious plant on the streets of Nairobi, just say "no".

When shopping for souvenirs, make sure you pay with exact change, otherwise you may be "strongly encouraged" to take your change in the form of additional merchandise.

There's always room for one more person in the matatu.

It is polite to hoot the hooter as you pass pedestrians on the road.

When driving, yield to any vehicle that could crush you, because they are certainly not going to be yielding to you.

Always drive on the left hand side of the road in Kenya, unless, of course, you prefer to drive on the right; then just watch out. Actually, why don't you just watch out all the time.

When riding in a matatu, don't let out a scream if it looks like you are about to have a head-on collision with a petrol tanker. Your voice might start getting hoarse after about 15 minutes of traveling.

And remember, whatever else you think you have to do in Kenya, the most important things are to touch the children, encourage the Church, give generously, practice seeing the world from a different point of view, stop to appreciate the beauty of God's Creation, and take pictures of all the choos.